Spare a thought for the Sandwich Generation this Chinese New Year
When you are the giver of angpaos and the recipient of comparison culture.
Happy Chinese New Year to our readers!
Privately, J. doesn’t even like seafood.
But as a mother, she has to buy cans of abalone for her in-laws and prepare meals with steamed fish for the Chinese New Year Eve reunion meal. Just because 年年有余 sounds like 年年有鱼.
The price of pomfret, is about $60 per kg at the market during Chinese New Year 2024, vs. $28 in November 2023. That’s a doubling in price.
The other obligations she has are angpaos for her parents, grandparents and parents-in-law. These come to $300 per elder. Not to mention, angpaos of about $30 to her children, her nieces and nephews, and her children’s friends. She also plans to give small angpaos of $5 to the cleaner and the security guard.
All in, she’s looking at a total bill of almost $3,000 in angpaos alone.
Then there are the Chinese New Year surcharges at coffeeshops and restaurants. The cheapest Chinese New Year family set meal at a suburban Chinese restaurant like Dian Xiao Er costs $200 for 4. More realistically, they will be spending about $800-$1,200 for meals over the 3-day Chinese New Year public holidays.
Together with endless queues at the supermarkets and banks, while grocery deliveries are often late up to 3h, leading to spoiled live food, Chinese New Year can be a particularly stressful period for parents in the Sandwich Generation.
“I guess the only thing keeping us going and happy over the Chinese New Year period,” J. says, “is the joy on our children’s faces. They get to stay up late, snack a lot, and play with their cousins.”
The solution?
Some families are bringing forward their Chinese New Year Eve reunion meals, at their favourite zi char stall or suburban restaurant. This is to avoid the crowds and the overbooked restaurants with their exorbitantly priced, mass-prepared 8-course meals.
Other families are resorting to potluck meals, where different families bring different dishes to the table.
Others are going on holidays over the Chinese New Year period.
This isn’t a perfect solution, as airports and overseas destinations are also crowded and jam packed with travellers. Not to mention, flights and hotel stays over the Chinese New Year period are priced higher.
Comparison culture in some family gatherings
In some extended families, comparison culture may emerge during family gatherings. Even local pop star S. Sun’s extended family isn’t immune from it.
Sometimes, it is harmless, like a comparison of appliances bought, vacations holidayed or BTO flats applied for.
Other times, it is annoying performative parenting, with a family stressing their child’s tuition schedule or sporting achievements.
Unfortunately, conspicuous consumption, not stealth wealth, still plays a large part in Chinese culture.
Problems may emerge should a family member try to one-up another in terms of conspicuous consumption or, juxtapose their career or financial situation unfavourably with yours.
The Solution?
In that case, you may have to try an American-style approach. Privately have a one-on-one conversation with the repeated offender, by telling them, “Hey friend, I am happy for you that you purchased a terrace house in 2016, but your talking about it every year has resulted in my children asking me, if we are poor because we live in a tiny home.”
If this is not likely to go down well, you may try a subtle Asian-style approach. Try to be happy for your relative. This is relatively easier to do if there is a real relationship with the relative, not just a cursory one. Or, wonder at the quick ascent of first generation wealth, if the offender's parents were from humble beginnings.
My favourite solution? Mention that they should host the next Chinese New Year, where you loudly expect lots of abalone and bak kwa, and point out all the lack of light may be conducive to mould. Or maybe be subtle and give them a book about the French Revolution next Christmas. Such is family.
Underlying problem behind comparison culture? A difference in materialist values
The Woke Salaryman says in its latest strip that it is a scarcity mindset that gives rise to social competition and eventually, materialist values.
The solution to that is an abundance mindset, which recognises not the zero sum game, but what we already have.
If you are a parent, this is an opportunity to reset the family culture, starting with your own kids. You can negate materialist culture from within.
Come the next generation's Chinese New Year gatherings, when you are the patriarch or matriarch, there will be no comparison culture, only a return to the festival's real meaning.
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